M-am tot intrebat ce mai urmeaza dupa boala vacii nebune si gripa aviara, iar raspunsul nu a intarziat prea mult sa apara: a venit gripa noua (ce a purtat initial numele de gripa porcina). Dupa stiri si rapoarte despre numarul victimelor, dupa panica propagata de canalele de informare cu privire la rapiditatea raspandirii virusului si iminenta aparitiei pandemiei, iata ce am primit astazi pe mail de la o prietena medic.

Brad Sagarin de la Universitatea Northern Illinois din DeKalb si colegii sai au masurat nivelurile hormonului de stress – cortisol – la 13 barbati si femei la o petrecere sado-maso in Arizona, inainte, in timpul si dupa participarea / practicarea acestui gen de acitvitati. In timpul scenelor S&M, cortisolul a crescut semnificativ in cazul celor ce primeau stimularea, dar a scazut la normal in decurs de 40 de minute daca scena a decurs … normal (din punctual lor de vedere). Nu s-a inregistrat nici o modificare in cazul celor ce au pricinuit-o.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little barstard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any guinea pigs.

Razele lunii sunt minunate oricand, oriunde, insa trebuie sa le vedeti coborate pe pamant, reflectate in noile obiecte, elemente de design sub forma de sfere (inventate recent), ce mangaie cu o lumina moale, blanda, difuza totul in jurul lor.

Artistul ukrainian Yurko Gutsulyak a creat ceea ce este probabil calendarul perfect pentru piromani: „zilele” sunt facute din bete de chibrit, ce pot fi rupte si folosite desigur pentru scopul in care au fost inventate.

Anglia este ţara în care se înregistrează cel mai mare număr de sarcini în rândul minorilor. De aceea Serviciul National de Sanatate al Marii Britanii a lansat o nouă modalitate de abordarea a temei sexuale: sexul e frumos, sexul este plăcere, sexul face bine sănătăţii.

Bula vrea sa se urce in avion cu un pui de gaina, mic, galben si piuitor, ca sa il aduca cadou lui Bulisor.
– Domnule, zise stewardesa, nu aveti voie cu animale in avion!
Se intoarce Bula in aeroport, se duce la WC, pune puisorul in chiloti si urca liber in avion; locul lui, langa o calugarita tanara si frumoasa. La un moment dat, Bula adoarme si, in timp ce visa, puisorul iese din chiloti, scoate capul prin slitul pantalonilor si incepe sa piuie. Calugarita, speriata, incepe sa-l zgaltaie pe Bula:
– Scoala domnule, scoala repede!
Speriat, Bula tresare, uitandu-se in toate directiile:
– Ce e, unde, ce… ce s-a-ntamplat?
– Domule, nu am eu experienta in problemele astea, dar cred ca vi s-a spart un ou …

Natalie Jasmer a fost atat de buna la „de-a v-ati ascunselea” incat familia sa, innebunita de spaima, a chemat politia sa-i ajute in cautarea bebelusului de doar 2 ani:
Natalie a disparut intr-o seara in timp ce se juca impreuna cu fratele si surorile sale, si toate eforturile vecinilor, pompierilor si ale politiei, chemati de parintii ingrijorati in ajutor nu au fost suficiente pentru a o gasi: